


It would never be

by bloodbuzz_smartypants



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Denial, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War, Teen Angst, silly youngsters being clueless at love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 01:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1710035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodbuzz_smartypants/pseuds/bloodbuzz_smartypants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is helping take care of Bucky for a change. This twist on the routine brings to the surface things that have stayed hidden for some time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It would never be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hiddlespeare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddlespeare/gifts).



> Some words prompted by dear Hiddlespeare. Blame her. Also, apparently it turned out sadder than expected. Blame me.

It would never be. ‘It would never be’, he thought, while peeking at how the moonlight was shadowing Bucky’s face. He was so handsome. Ever since he could remember, Bucky had always been handsome, but as the boy became the man, well, he just seemed all the greater, and all the farther from him. Steve was staring now, at his roommate, at the person who had been his friend ever since he could recall being Steve but also, and especially, the man he knew he loved.

He also knew this was wrong. He knew that while the night hid his gaze, day would come and show him all that never was. Painfully so.

That night things were peaceful and if Bucky was thankfully sound asleep, it was because Steve didn’t have Bucky worrying over him. For a change. For a change, it had been Steve taking care of Bucky. And even if he was the reason this came to be he felt that for now, maybe, he could also try to sleep.

In the tiny one bedroom Brooklyn flat they shared since losing all remaining family, Bucky and Steve had gotten to know each other even better, supporting one another and keeping each other company in ways other friends, or girls, could not. Bucky, ever the annoying cheeky bastard, was always around when Steve needed him. He seemed to pop up at all the times he couldn’t reach something somewhere or when that old window insisted on not opening. Steve knew he should be thankful, and he was, but he was also annoyed at how useless he seemed to be and how things just got worse and worse as they both grew into the men they were becoming. Steve was no Bucky. And he both hated and loved him for it.

It had been a cold and wet late autumn evening. Bucky had just gotten home after working at the docks, soaking wet but cheerful as always. There had been this girl, you see, blonde curls, bright blue eyes, and she had smiled at him on his way home, and maybe they would meet tomorrow. Steve hadn’t been out of the flat for days, finally getting over the nth cold he had gotten that fall. He rolled his eyes and kept a frustrated sigh to himself but said, ‘That’s great Buck, she sounds nice!’

He was reaching for the old tray he liked to use for setting bread dough he’d just made, the one he always placed on the top shelf. There was a slip of his foot and Bucky, still getting his wet boots off, ran and dove to try and break Steve’s fall.

Before he knew it, Steve was awkwardly on top of a wincing Bucky. While he was looking at Steve to try and assess the damage that might have been done to him, as Steve was getting to his feet, Bucky was already grabbing his ankle, apparently having twisted it in the process.

Steve was livid. ‘God Bucky, I’m so sorry! And why did you jump like that? If anything I’d just fall to the floor and that’d be it!’

‘Yeah, and I’d have a crippled, coughing his lungs out Steve instead? No, thanks.’ But Bucky was already gripping his ankle hard, his face was paler than usual and Steve felt worse than the mud on Bucky’s boots. Bucky had a way of making him feel the best and the worst ever.

After being told by the doctor to keep from any sort of hard work and just lie quietly for at least a week, and after Steve half carried him into their joint beds, Bucky finally relented and decided to stay put. He was clearly in pain but was stubbornly denying it. The idiot. Steve could tell by the way he was sweating in their more than usually freezing flat and by how grayish his skin was starting to look. It didn’t help that he had been in his wet clothes for too long after all the fuss.

They couldn’t afford calling a doctor so they had to stumble into the old clinic down the block where they were handed some medicine and some bandages were wrapped around Bucky’s ankle. Steve had never seen him cringe that way. He grabbed the edges of the stretcher until his knuckles turned white while still trying to smile at him. ‘It’s not that bad,’ he winced. The idiot.

That night Bucky hardly slept. He kept twisting and moving and grimacing in pain every time he did so. Steve tried to advise him to calm and not move but Bucky kept at it and pulled him in closer.  
Since Steve was in an almost constant state of illness, and their room was usually either freezing or cold, they had acquired the habit of sleeping under the same blankets.

‘It’ll warm ya faster,’ Bucky had said then as he brought him closer, letting Steve’s head rest on his chest while keeping his arm around him. Steve had felt himself blush helplessly and had tried to hide his face deeper into Bucky’s warmth, deepening the heat on his cheeks even further. He’d felt the luckiest and the most intrusive of people. He had no idea why he felt either way. Feeling Bucky’s strong steady heartbeat made him feel as close to peaceful as one might feel.

‘It’s cold. Just because my foot’s out of the bed doesn’t mean you have to. Besides, my leg feels like it’s on fire, you might as well take advantage of it,’ he smirked.

‘Buck, you’re clearly in pain. Stop being an idiot and stop moving!’ He nudged against Bucky anyway both trying to keep him still and getting the warmth and comfort Bucky’s heat always gave him. That night Steve hardly slept as well.

//

By morning Bucky was a mess, his hair and pajamas damp with sweat. The medicine the doctor had given them was working but the inflammation was proving difficult and Bucky now had a fever.  
‘I’m loving being mothered by you. So nice! Now I know why you’re getting sick all the time. You’re doing it for the perks!’ Bucky gave his endearingly obnoxious head tilt and Steve felt a twist in his gut. He looked away and said ‘Yeah, cause it’s so nice gasping for breath until you’re almost blue.’

Bucky looked guilty. He tried to sit up but couldn’t and winced as he did. ‘Stevie… You know I didn’t really mean it. I hate it when you’re sick. You know I always wish I could trade places with you.’

He knew that of course, especially since Bucky kept repeating it over and over when things got really bad and he was starting to feel a little desperate. By now, Steve was getting too familiar with feeling as unworthy as the mud on Bucky’s boots. He sighed, smiled sweetly and sat next to Bucky, slowly touching his covered thigh. “I never once wished that for you. I also wish I could be stronger, not just for myself, but so that for once I could be there for you the way you’re always there for me. This time, I’ll do the best my limitations allow me, but I’ll see you through THIS situation”. He pointed at Bucky’s exposed and uplifted foot with a sad smirk and Bucky couldn’t help but ruffle his hair. “Punk! Don’t worry about it. This hurts like a bitch but I’ll be up and runnin’ in no time.” This was all his fault anyway, Steve thought sadly. It hurt to acknowledge his own limitations to Bucky but it’s not like this was news to any of them.

As the day passed Steve kept busy making sure Bucky was fed, getting him tea, making sure he wasn’t too cold or too hot, adjusting his pillow… but with all the night’s sweating this just wasn’t going to do.

‘Bucky, you need to wash that fever away. I’ll boil some water for you. Just try to sweat the most you can now.’

Bucky laughed, teasingly throwing his own pillow at him, but the prospect of what was coming left Steve nervous. There was no way Bucky could take a bath. He needed his foot on a higher stance and even as strong as he was, he couldn’t do it all by himself and even if Steve had seen him naked before things felt different now. He blamed that last spurge of growth that seemed to hit only Bucky and not himself but fact was he couldn’t look at Bucky without feeling both fond and guilty. The nakedness wasn’t going to help. He was already feeling his guts twisting and water wasn’t even boiling yet.  
‘You’ll need to help me then. Doc said I can’t get my foot wet…’ Bucky seemed to be contemplating his odds, looking at the tiny bedroom, considering getting up, trying to drag himself out of bed and into the bathroom.

Steve ran to him and helped him slowly get up, cursing as he did, that Bucky was the worst possible patient ever and the doctor would blame him if went and twisted his other ankle while trying to fix the first one.

Bucky laughed but it was weak at best. He was obviously tired and his pain didn’t seem to be subsiding yet. Steve grabbed him by the torso, keeping Bucky’s arm over his shoulder, holding onto him as he led him, jumpingly into the tiny tub.

Half inside, half outside it, Bucky started to undress. His sweater first and pants later. Steve couldn’t avoid staring at him. There was nothing new there. He’d seen Bucky naked many times and yet, it always felt like he couldn’t look long enough. Like all the moments were made for him to take as much detail as possible. The way his hipbone just stood out a bit next to his curved muscle and how his chest seemed bigger than before.

‘Steve? Is that water pouring itself?’ Again with that cocky head tilt, blue eyes bright with tease.

‘Wow, the smugness doesn’t really leave you, does it?’

Steve started to gently pour some warm water over him, on his hair and shoulders, filling the tub little by little.

‘Uh, that looks painful.’ He pointed at Bucky’s swollen wrapped ankle, just now noticing his own words. He had a task at hand but his mind seemed nowhere near it. All he wanted was to stare at the long line of Bucky’s neck, the way it came down into his collarbone and shoulder and down into his now curved back. This was getting out of hand and he better breathe in and let it go.

‘It throbs and it hurts, I admit. But it’s not as bad as yesterday.’ He sounded tentative at best. The doctor had said it would take at least a couple of days until it got visibly better but as usual Bucky was minimizing his problems to the best of his abilities.

He then quietly let Bucky wash himself. And while relating his latest adventures at the docks and stating how pretty the golden curls looked on that girl, Steve conflictingly took in the moment. This sort of intimacy was not that frequent these days but Steve couldn’t help but feel bittersweet about it. Bucky was so comfortable around him he didn’t seem to notice any of his latest worries and concerns. He felt like sharing them many times. With Bucky. Or just the walls of their bedroom. But not even then had he been able to admit it out loud. What he felt now was not the same as before and he didn’t know how he was going to keep something like this hidden. He just knew he had to. He felt ashamed. Not of his feelings, he knew Bucky was worthy of them and more. But of letting himself get into such a situation. He somehow felt he should have a say in it. It seemed to him as if he had actively chosen to love Bucky but he’d never even considered the possibility of it being something unavoidable. So he felt guilty. Guilty for apparently having brought this impending situation on Bucky and fully expecting it to blow up in his face. He dreaded that day. The look of disbelief and disgust he would get from Bucky would hurt him more than he cared to admit. He would deal with his feelings the best he could but there was no way he would jeopardize his friendship with Bucky or take the chance of alienating his best friend out of his life.

‘Wash my hair?’

‘Sure, Buck. Lean over.’ Steve placed himself behind him, gently as to not force him into moving more than necessary. The water was shallow but he had his pants rolled up to his knees just in case. He then started to wash Bucky’s wet brown hair with the soap they shared, massaging his scalp evenly.

‘Hmm, that feels great. I think I could just fall asleep.’ His eyes were shut now and he was leaning into Steve’s touch. ‘Wish you could do that always and forever. So good,’ he purred. Steve wished that as well. Always and forever seemed nice. He swallowed a sigh and removed the soap from Bucky’s hair with warm water from one of the pots he had placed next to them. He then helped Bucky slowly get up, step out of the tub and wrapped him in a clean towel. He sat him on an old wooden stool, helped him put on clean pants, let him finish with his shirt while putting a sock on his left foot. The good one. He could feel Bucky’s gaze on him while trying to dismiss it.

‘I could get used to this. You’d make such a nice wife.’ Steve looked up with a snap and glared at him. Somehow he felt angry. Bucky’s blue eyes were staring at him with such openness though that he couldn’t bring himself to scold him.

‘M’fraid I won’t be nobody’s wife,’ he said as he helped him stand up.

‘That’s a shame.’ Bucky averted Steve’s eyes as he said it.

Back in their joint beds Bucky was now quiet. Too quiet. Exhaustion had finally gotten the better of him and he was sleeping. Why he insisted on always putting such a strong front for Steve was beyond him. It’s not like he didn’t know how Bucky felt most of the time, his heart on his sleeve as it was. Or how his smile crinkled up when he’d had a particularly tiring day. Or even how he pretended not to notice when Bucky was somehow staring at him before coming up with some silly remark, or how they should get ice cream for a treat, or go try and sneak into the movies that afternoon. It was both endearing and annoying, especially since it was a pretty useless effort.

He got into the bed, as quietly as possible, trying not to disturb his sleep. Bucky didn’t look peaceful. Steve frowned and wondered how on earth he could pout even in his sleep but a glimpse at Bucky’s wrapped ankle made him twinge in understanding. He slowly pulled the blankets over them, leaving Bucky’s right foot uncovered, and placed his head on his pillow. Realizing the tension on Bucky’s expression he wished he could ease his pain somehow and suddenly understood, for the first time, what Bucky had meant when he had said he’d rather take his place on any of the occasions he had been troubled. He felt a strange heat crawl in his chest at that realization and tears welled up in his eyes. He knew then that he was loved. Maybe not the sort of love he had been wishing for lately but love nonetheless. It’s not like he didn’t know that before. He and Bucky were as close as it got, they knew each other better than themselves and yet, the clear manifestation of that love in such a simple statement humbled him. He was his proud friend and that just made all of his anguish even worse as he felt he was betraying that friendship.

‘Steve,’ Bucky mumbled in his sleep while reaching for him. Steve perked up, clearing the tears from his eyes.

‘Com’here,’ he said sleepily while pulling him closer, ‘’s cold.’

Steve gladly let him have his way and nudged closer into his chest. He wondered how cold he could possibly be when he was clearly still feverish, heart beating fast but steady and body hot enough to heat the whole room. He looked up at Bucky’s face. He still didn’t look peaceful.

//

By morning Bucky’s fever was gone. He was smiling and already trying to get up, willing to make a run for it if need be, clearly feeling better.

‘I see the fever didn’t get you rid of all the stupid!’ Steve gently pushed him back down. ‘You’re not getting up just yet. And when you do…’ he continued as Bucky gave him the most offended look ever, ‘it’ll be with the help of the crutches Mrs Harris from down the hall kindly lent us. We’re just lucky she happened to still have them.’

‘C’mon Stevie! I can’t stay in bed forever. Let me just…”

‘Besides,’ Steve interrupted, ‘we’ll see the doctor again tomorrow and he said no getting up. Except for going to the bathroom.’

‘Are you giving me a bath again today then? I love playing the cute newlyweds,’ Bucky smirked but he looked a bit wary.

‘Already told you I won’t be nobody’s cute wife. Pretty sure you’ll be a nice husband though, unless you’re this much of an ass and don’t do as she tells you!’ Steve adjusted Bucky on the pillows, felt his temperature, again, and sighed. ‘You’re not that sweaty but I think we should clean you up a bit. I’ll boil some water and you can wash yourself.’

Bucky ‘unffed’ at him and nodded. He undressed. He washed his legs, his feet and around his ankle the best he could. Sitting next to him, ready to assist him if needed, Steve tried not to stare at him. Bucky’s legs were muscled and toned and his torso was stronger than Steve’s by a mile wide. There was nothing of the boy there. Steve wanted to wrap himself in his arms and never let go.

Bucky then handed Steve the wet cloth without saying a word. Steve’s brow rose but he quietly took it and proceeded to rub Bucky’s back with it. He was now closer to him, in his narrow bed, stretching himself for a better angle. Bucky then slowly turned his back to him, supporting his weight with his right hand on the bed, the other arm stretched as Steve rubbed through his shoulder and into the length of it. He could feel strong muscles and surprisingly soft skin. And heat. Bucky seemed like he was always scorching hot. Or maybe he was the one who was always too cold. He felt the difference between them just kept increasing and increasing.

Bucky was everything he wanted to be. Not just his physical self. He admired his sense of justice and the sheer innate goodness in him. Interestingly enough, he didn’t seem to realize it himself. ‘You’re too good for your own sake,’ he’d said. He kept praising Steve for his kindness and willing heart without realizing he had been the one setting the example. There was so much he had already taught him, about friendship and in being there and how to support each other, even if it had been mostly Bucky doing the supporting, he thought bitterly. He had his heart in the right place, even if his mind, or his mouth, didn’t always follow. It bewildered him how their friendship even came to be, let alone grow into what it became. They were family now. Or so he thought. He wondered how righteous Bucky would believe him to be had he known about the heat creeping through his groins at that moment, and how his heart beat that much faster just from being this close. He felt all shades of wrong but simply couldn’t stop himself. How could he?

As Steve finished cleaning his right arm, Bucky just lay back and huffed. Darker eyes gave him a questioning stare and Steve's brow rose. His mouth opened as he was about to say something when Bucky reached up and grabed the hand that held the cloth and pressed it into his own chest. Steve's eyes opened wide, surprised. ‘That’s a whole new level of lazy, Buck,” he downplayed it.  
“Yeah.” Bucky said nothing else and averted his eyes, turning his head to Steve’s opposite side and keeping his arms still, next to his torso.

Steve was dumbfounded for a second. Not just by how this came to be but at how pliant Bucky was acting. He was never one to wait or rely on others. Not even him! He’d rely on Steve only when Steve didn’t need to rely on Bucky, which was hardly ever.

Steve sighed deeply, more for the need for air than the lack of patience. Now that Bucky was still staring at the wall as if it had the most appealing shade of color, Steve couldn’t help but notice how stiff Bucky felt under his touch. Not only that but the way he flinched every time he went to touch him, after reaching for fresh water in the bowl.

Steve started with his neck, coming down to each of his armpits, rubbing his flanks and back up to his collarbone. He then smoothly washed his pecks, rubbing his nipples gently, feeling them harden, and Bucky’s mouth was now slightly open. Steve could feel Bucky’s heartbeat pick up under his fingertips as he pressed them against his chest, felt his breath coming a little faster. Steve was hard now, his own heart trying to break free from his chest. Bucky never looked back at him. He was done. He got up, picked the bowl with the water and half ran into the small bathroom. “I’ll get you some fresh water for you to clean your face,” he shouted, voice rougher than he’d hoped.

Bucky said nothing but Steve could feel his gaze on the bathroom door.

//

That night things were peaceful.

They were both lying close in their joint beds as usual and Bucky felt an easiness that was uncommon on most days. His ankle still hurt and he hated being bedridden but the man next to him was in a rare deep sleep. For once. For once Steve’s breathing was quiet and steady.

He smiled sadly at Steve’s pretty features, at how pink his cheeks were, and wondered if getting Steve tired by taking care of him was the only way to give him a good night’s rest. He moved some of Steve’s hair away from his face, making him frown. Bucky couldn’t help but grin at that. Stubborn to the end. But his lips slumped immediately as he felt like he was intruding. This was his best friend after all. The way he knew he was gazing at Steve was anything but friendly though. He knew his feelings for Steve were no longer the familiar ones, the ones that should be. He was angry at himself, at how he’d fallen without realizing it and that he was an idiot that should have just walked away, that should have known better. But he couldn’t. There was no way he was leaving Stevie to his own damn luck. He’d promised himself he’d swallow his feelings whole, never let them see the light of day but the last couple of days had proven difficult. He felt he had taken advantage of Steve. Brighter than the sun Steve. He felt ashamed of how he tried to force Steve into indulging him, for the sake of his own selfish reasons.

The need to touch and be touched was increasing and he felt dealing with it was getting harder. He would do the impossible to prevent hurting him, to prevent ruining what they had now.

He would do anything. He would go to this stupid war if necessary. He felt he was alone in this. Steve would never… This was him, and him alone, Steve was not to blame.

These fleeting moments were to his benefit only. So why try to grab a small moment of false happiness when he knew it would never be real? It would never be.


End file.
